Well, despite how busy I am these days you just KNOW I can't let Bush's New Plan for Iraq (tm) go by without me tearing giant, gaping holes in it! Plus he's about to give his State of the
Empire address and I'll be quipping to that, too. Now, the quips you're about to read are completely off the cuff. I haven't read the full thing before right now. I do know the gist of it, but none of the details. HERE WE GO! (Oh yeah, I got [http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/01/10/bush.transcript/index.html|the transcript] from CNN.com)
Below is the text of President Bush's speech to the nation outlining his new strategy in Iraq: Good evening. Tonight in Iraq, the armed forces of the United States are engaged in a struggle that will determine the direction of the global war on terror - and our safety here at home.
Oh THAT old chestnut! Still trying to madly tie Iraq to tWAT? I really don't see how terrorists in Iraq effect the War Against Terror anywhere else. If we kill the terrorists in Iraq we'll just make said terrorists look like martyrs and therefore inspire more people to become terrorists, thus, solving nothing. Well--DUH. That's what you want, isn't it? Ever since the Soviet Union folded under it's own weight the military/industrial complex has had trouble selling it's wares to a reasonably peaceful planet Earth. But NOW, we have a NEW and PERPETUAL ENEMY! For years--no--DECADES TO COME, the MIC will supply, for a fee, the weapons that will kill terrorist around the world! Nice plan--too bad it's totally immoral. But please, King George, pray continue...
The new strategy I outline tonight will change America's course in Iraq, and help us succeed in the fight against terror.
HA! As if!
As if as if anyone's going to believe you at this point! You've fucked up everything from 911 on! In fact, you were being called a Lame Duck President
before 911 and now people are calling you that again! Anyone who thinks anything you say is a good idea is a fool or someone inside the MIC.
When I addressed you just over a year ago, nearly 12 million Iraqis had cast their ballots for a unified and democratic nation.
How'd that work out in the end? Civil war? Awwww, too bad.
The elections of 2005 were a stunning achievement. We thought that these elections would bring the Iraqis together - and that as we trained Iraqi security forces, we could accomplish our mission with fewer American troops.
GASP! I feel...
an admission of failure coming on!! COULD IT BE??
But in 2006, the opposite happened. The violence in Iraq - particularly in Baghdad - overwhelmed the political gains the Iraqis had made. Al Qaeda terrorists and Sunni insurgents recognized the mortal danger that Iraq's elections posed for their cause. And they responded with outrageous acts of murder aimed at innocent Iraqis.
How convenient for the MIC! It's almost as if your pals in the Military Industrial Complex had a direct hand in rallying the insurgents and Al Qaeda in Iraq!
Wait a minute! Nahhh! They'd never do something that immoral! ;)
They blew up one of the holiest shrines in Shia Islam - the Golden Mosque of Samarra - in a calculated effort to provoke Iraq's Shia population to retaliate.
Too bad most Americans don't understand how truly bizarre this kind of behavior from even an extremist Muslim was. Any mosque is revered by any Muslim. I know this because I actually know a Muslim. I wonder if Bush has ever spoken with his Muslim friends about their faith. The point is, even extremists would think twice about blowing up such a sacred mosque. It smacks of something much more corrupt and immoral--some outside group encouraging Muslims to turn inward on themselves, or perhaps coalition forces pretending to be Muslim extremists and blowing up the mosque themselves. It's not like the CIA hasn't pulled shit like that off in the past.
Their strategy worked. Radical Shia elements, some supported by Iran, formed death squads. And the result was a vicious cycle of sectarian violence that continues today.
Don't forget that these death squads often wear Iraqi police uniforms, suggesting that they have been sanctioned by the democratically elected government of Iraq. WHOOPS!
The situation in Iraq is unacceptable to the American people - and it is unacceptable to me.
TOOK YA LONG ENOUGH, BITCH! MAN, it's been unacceptable to us Americans for years now!
Our troops in Iraq have fought bravely. They have done everything we have asked them to do.
What's this "we" stuff, white boy? No, dickhead, they did everything YOU asked them to do. I'D have never asked them to fight in a war which did nothing to directly protect the American people.
Where mistakes have been made, the responsibility rests with me.
WOW! Now, if he could juuust say he's SORRY. Fuck, man--could he have taken much longer to re-connect with reality? It's his responsibility "WHERE" mistakes have been made? Where HAVEN'T mistake been made??
It is clear that we need to change our strategy in Iraq.
"Or so I've been told."
So my national security team, military commanders, and diplomats conducted a comprehensive review.
"And then I replaced them." Seriously, he did just replace a bunch of them.
We consulted members of Congress from both parties,
WOW! ALL
2 PARTIES!!
our allies abroad, and distinguished outside experts.
And then you ignored them. OH wait, that was last time.
We benefited from the thoughtful recommendations of the Iraq Study Group - a bipartisan panel led by former Secretary of State James Baker and former Congressman Lee Hamilton. In our discussions, we all agreed that there is no magic formula for success in Iraq.
I thought the Iraq Study Group said their was a kind of magic formula, though. Personally, I don't see why we can't just get the hell out and let the Iraqis deal with their own country. We can send them financial aid, but we should let them spend it on rebuilding their country. I mean, they are adults, aren't they? If they squander our cash, then we'll stop supporting them after a couple of years.
And one message came through loud and clear: Failure in Iraq would be a disaster for the United States.
What do you mean "would be" a disaster? Try "already is" a disaster for the US.
The consequences of failure are clear: Radical Islamic extremists would grow in strength and gain new recruits.
No, I think that's what's happening
now. Every day we stay we inspire more of that. if we get the hell out of Iraq those same extremists will declare victory and likeminded locals in the middle east will not feel that the threat of America is worth dying or even going extremist for. This is basic logic, George. Stop threatening people and they'll stop hating you. If we stay in Iraq, providing a threat of Americanization and they'll hate us more and there will be a larger number of them hating us, too. I hope this logic makes sense to more than just me.
They would be in a better position to topple moderate governments, create chaos in the region, and use oil revenues to fund their ambitions.
Wait--are you talking about us or them? [http://uprisingradio.org/home/?p=1106|Because that sounds a lot like us.]
Iran would be emboldened in its pursuit of nuclear weapons. Our enemies would have a safe haven from which to plan and launch attacks on the American people.
That may be, but they can already do all that in Afghanistan--
even though we're still there, too.
On September the 11th, 2001, we saw what a refuge for extremists on the other side of the world could bring to the streets of our own cities.
Ah, THAT old chestnut! 911=
BOO! For the safety of our people, America must succeed in Iraq.
What does "success" mean at this point? Find WMD? Get Saddam out of power? Build a stable Iraq? How long will that take? How many Americans and Iraqis will die before that's done? How much money with that cost? Why is up to us to even do that? Haven't we done enough? As for the "you break it, you bought it" thing? We invaded illegally/immorally, we can pull out the same way as far as I'm concerned. Every day we stay brings a bigger mess, more dead and more spent.
The most urgent priority for success in Iraq is security, especially in Baghdad. Eighty percent of Iraq's sectarian violence occurs within 30 miles of the capital.
Wait--so there's other violence in Iraq aside from sectarian violence? If not, why specify it like that?
This violence is splitting Baghdad into sectarian enclaves, and shaking the confidence of all Iraqis.
Once again, it sounds like you're talking about us.
Only the Iraqis can end the sectarian violence and secure their people.
SO, WHY DO WE HAVE TO BE THERE???
And their government has put forward an aggressive plan to do it.
SO, WHY DO WE HAVE TO BE THERE?????
Our past efforts to secure Baghdad failed for two principal reasons: There were not enough Iraqi and American troops to secure neighborhoods that had been cleared of terrorists and insurgents, and there were too many restrictions on the troops we did have.
Well, there wouldn't have been any insurgents if we had never invaded or if we had gotten out when you claimed "Mission Accomplished." So saying it's anyone's fault but (y)ours is essentially LYING.
Our military commanders reviewed the new Iraqi plan to ensure that it addressed these mistakes. They report that it does. They also report that this plan can work.
Too bad [http://www.courierpress.com/news/2007/jan/12/ellsworth-questions-top-military-officials-about/|some folks in government don't agree with you]. You have to admit that trusting you with anything at this point is pretty friggin' stupid. What was it you once said? OH yeah: "Fool me once shame on you... fool me twice... you can't get fooled again." Wise words, sir!
Now, let me explain the main elements of this effort. The Iraqi government will appoint a military commander and two deputy commanders for their capital.
Oh yes,
the Iraqi government will select them. Sure, sure...
The Iraqi government will deploy Iraqi army and national police brigades across Baghdad's nine districts.
Police brigades? Weren't those death squads wearing police uniforms?
When these forces are fully deployed, there will be 18 Iraqi army and national police brigades committed to this effort, along with local police. These Iraqi forces will operate from local police stations; conducting patrols and setting up checkpoints and going door-to-door to gain the trust of Baghdad residents.
So, you expect Baghdad residents to not mind that this plan was formulated by America? Hell,
I don't trust this plan because it was formulated by us!
This is a strong commitment. But for it to succeed, our commanders say the Iraqis will need our help. So America will change our strategy to help the Iraqis carry out their campaign to put down sectarian violence and bring security to the people of Baghdad. This will require increasing American force levels. So I've committed more than 20,000 additional American troops to Iraq.
Many of which will die. Hey, just being honest.
The vast majority of them -- five brigades -- will be deployed to Baghdad.
Yeah, who cares about the rest of the country, anyway?
These troops will work alongside Iraqi units and be embedded in their formations. Our troops will have a well-defined mission: to help Iraqis clear and secure neighborhoods,
What is there to secure if the neighborhoods have already been cleared? And where do all the people from said neighborhoods go once they are cleared out? Or do you just kill most of them like you did in Fallujah?
to help them protect the local population, and to help ensure that the Iraqi forces left behind are capable of providing the security that Baghdad needs.
Sounds like a great plan--too bad it will result in more dead people on all sides of the conflict.
Many listening tonight will ask why this effort will succeed when previous operations to secure Baghdad did not.
Wow, Bush is really paying attention! I'm impressed!
Well, here are the differences: In earlier operations, Iraqi and American forces cleared many neighborhoods of terrorists and insurgents - but when our forces moved on to other targets, the killers returned.
Gee, could that be because we didn't move on
from Iraq?? I love how no one ever talks about why there are terrorist and insurgents inside Iraq right now. IT'S BECAUSE WE'RE THERE IDIOTS!!
This time, we will have the force levels we need to hold the areas that have been cleared. In earlier operations, political and sectarian interference prevented Iraqi and American forces from going into neighborhoods that are home to those fueling the sectarian violence. This time, Iraqi and American forces will have a green light to enter these neighborhoods - and Prime Minister Maliki has pledged that political or sectarian interference will not be tolerated.
In other words: Kill 'em all! Let God/Allah sort 'em out!
I have made it clear to the prime minister and Iraq's other leaders that America's commitment is not open-ended. If the Iraqi government does not follow through on its promises, it will lose the support of the American people - and it will lose the support of the Iraqi people.
Since when do the Iraqi people have any say in what goes on? Last poll I heard about said most Iraqis think it's OK to kill Americans. That hasn't gotten us out of Iraq any faster.
Now is the time to act. The prime minister understands this.
Yes, but do
you? Here is what he told his people just last week: "The Baghdad security plan will not provide a safe haven for any outlaws, regardless of [their] sectarian or political affiliation."
WOW! you know what? I'M CONVINCED NOW! THIS NEW PLAN WILL WORK! Oh wait... I'm not convinced of crap! Never mind!
This new strategy will not yield an immediate end to suicide bombings, assassinations, or IED attacks.
No, but I'm pretty sure an immediate and complete pull-out of American troops from Iraq would!
Our enemies in Iraq will make every effort to ensure that our television screens are filled with images of death and suffering.
Wait--don't you want to blame the media for that?
Yet, over time, we can expect to see Iraqi troops chasing down murderers, fewer brazen acts of terror, and growing trust and cooperation from Baghdad's residents.
How
much time?
When this happens, daily life will improve, Iraqis will gain confidence in their leaders, and the government will have the breathing space it needs to make progress in other critical areas. Most of Iraq's Sunni and Shia want to live together in peace. And reducing the violence in Baghdad will help make reconciliation possible.
Wow... I TOTALLY don't buy that!! So, more US troops and more Iraqis kicking ass and taking names will somehow make everything cool in Iraq. Talk about bullshit rhetoric! Where's the political solution that will show both major sects of Islam that they will be represented equally in the Iraqi government? That's what is needed here. They won't stop killing before they feel that they don't have to kill any more.
A successful strategy for Iraq goes beyond military operations. Ordinary Iraqi citizens must see that military operations are accompanied by visible improvements in their neighborhoods and communities. So America will hold the Iraqi government to the benchmarks it has announced.
Yeah, good luck with that. You wanna tell us what those visible improvements in their neighborhoods and communities will be? Making on their problems go away by blowing up said neighborhoods and communities, perhaps?
To establish its authority, the Iraqi government plans to take responsibility for security in all of Iraq's provinces by November.
By November??? OF 2007??? Why will it take so long for them to take over their own security operations? Are Iraqis that friggin' stupid? Or is it that YOU think they're that stupid? (I'm betting on the latter.)
To give every Iraqi citizen a stake in the country's economy, Iraq will pass legislation to share oil revenues among all Iraqis.
Ahhh,
bribe them--good idea! Oh and by the way--just how much revenue will be back once [http://uprisingradio.org/home/?p=1106|the foreign oil companies get their 75% of the profits]?
To show that it is committed to delivering a better life, the Iraqi government will spend $10 billion of its own money on reconstruction and infrastructure projects that will create new jobs.
And just where is the Iraqi government going to get "it's own money"??? A government's "own money" usually comes from taxes paid by it's citizens. So, here's the big selling point you're trying to sell, George: "The Iraqi government will take your money and create jobs for you to use to make money that you will use to pay taxes." Enjoy that circle, Iraqis! However, the Iraqi government can also take out loans from the IMF--the International Monetary Fund. The catch is, in order to get loans from the IMF, the Iraqi government has to meet the IMF's conditions. According to [http://uprisingradio.org/home/?p=1106|this post] at UprisingRadio.Org, these conditions are passing a law that will give 75% of the profits from oil, untaxed, to foreign oil companies. So, if they don't pass said law then Iraq doesn't get their loans thus jobs aren't created. Isn't Globalism FUN?
To empower local leaders, Iraqis plan to hold provincial elections later this year. And to allow more Iraqis to re-enter their nation's political life, the government will reform de-Baathification laws and establish a fair process for considering amendments to Iraq's constitution.
In other words, you're backing off on kicking out all the Baathists from Sadam's government. Now, the equivalent of Nazis and Nazi-supporters will be allowed back into government, much like Nazis were allowed to join American and Russian society after WWII despite their atrocities.
America will change our approach to help the Iraqi government as it works to meet these benchmarks. In keeping with the recommendations of the Iraq Study Group, we will increase the embedding of American advisers in Iraqi army units, and partner a coalition brigade with every Iraqi army division.
Uhhh... I'm not even sure what you just said. Didn't you already pretty much dismiss the Iraq Study Group's report out of hand? Now you're trying to bamboozle us into believing that you're actually taking some of the ISG's advice? More of the same from you--more doublespeak. "Hey, isn't this black coffee pot a pretty shade of blue?" It's just like that. Same something that is totally false, but don't let on that it is.
We will help the Iraqis build a larger and better-equipped army, and we will accelerate the training of Iraqi forces, which remains the essential U.S. security mission in Iraq.
Ah, yes! Four years in is a GREAT time to accelerate the training of Iraqi forces! GOOD THINKING! You sure you don't want to wait a couple more days? Maybe Wednesday or Thursday?
We will give our commanders and civilians greater flexibility to spend funds for economic assistance.
Whoa--even
less oversight? What about that [http://edition.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/meast/01/30/iraq.audit/|$9 billion you guys lost] in Iraq back in 2005?
We will double the number of Provincial Reconstruction Teams. These teams bring together military and civilian experts to help local Iraqi communities pursue reconciliation, strengthen the moderates and speed the transition to Iraqi self-reliance.
You'd think Bush was running for office with that kind of vague, amorphous rhetoric. Seriously, would a few specifics be so difficult to provide here, bub?
And Secretary Rice will soon appoint a reconstruction coordinator in Baghdad to ensure better results for economic assistance being spent in Iraq.
Ah, yes, a decision made by Condi! GOOD IDEA! Wait--has she actually made one of those on her own yet?
As we make these changes, we will continue to pursue al Qaeda and foreign fighters. Al Qaeda is still active in Iraq. Its home base is Anbar Province. Al Qaeda has helped make Anbar the most violent area of Iraq outside the capital.
Do you realize what you're saying??? 1) You're telling us that you know precisely where AQ is in Iraq. Why don't you go get them? 2) You've just pointed out that
the capital of Iraq is the most violent place in Iraq. The capital is where
American forces are centered. What does that say? If Anbar is violent because Al Qaeda is there, then isn't Baghdad violent because America is there? Does anyone actually read these speeches of yours before you speak them?
A captured al Qaeda document describes the terrorists' plan to infiltrate and seize control of the province. This would bring al Qaeda closer to its goals of taking down Iraq's democracy, building a radical Islamic empire, and launching new attacks on the United States at home and abroad.
Huh, so what would be ideal, in this case, would be a secular leader who is tough enough to keep the extremists out of power in Iraq. Sounds a bit like Saddam.
Too bad we don't got one of those. Our military forces in Anbar are killing and capturing al Qaeda leaders - and they are protecting the local population.
The Al Qaeda leaders are protecting the local population??? Like I asked earlier: does anyone actually read this stuff before you say it?
Recently, local tribal leaders have begun to show their willingness to take on al Qaeda.
But not before asking themselves the question: "Hmmm, who's worse? The US or AQ?"
And, as a result, our commanders believe we have an opportunity to deal a serious blow to the terrorists. So I have given orders to increase American forces in Anbar Province by 4,000 troops. These troops will work with Iraqi and tribal forces to keep up the pressure on the terrorists.
Oh, yeah--the "pressure" is really "on" the terrorists! Dude, they're WINNING.
America's men and women in uniform took away al Qaeda's safe haven in Afghanistan - and we will not allow them to re- establish it in Iraq.
Well, that's funny because a whole bunch of people warned you that Saddam was actually doing a reasonable job of keeping things secular in Iraq before the US invaded. Bin Laden even said that Saddam was not an ally until the US began threatening to invade Iraq.
Succeeding in Iraq also requires defending its territorial integrity - and stabilizing the region in the face of the extremist challenge. This begins with addressing Iran and Syria.
Ah, OK, here it comes. The real pretty shit we're all going to be standing in when Bush decides we need to begin the Iran Attack. I'm guessing Syria and her dentist leader (seriously, I've read he's a trained dentist) will cave but Iran is huge and, unlike Iraq, still has a formidable military.
These two regimes are allowing terrorists and insurgents to use their territory to move in and out of Iraq. Iran is providing material support for attacks on American troops. We will disrupt the attacks on our forces. We will interrupt the flow of support from Iran and Syria. And we will seek out and destroy the networks providing advanced weaponry and training to our enemies in Iraq.
Like you found WMD in Iraq? Like you got Osama bin Laden? Like you saved all those people after Katrina? Like you protected us from terrorists on 911? Are you going to cure cancer and AIDS and put a man on Mars, too? Perhaps you'd like to win American Idol?
We are also taking other steps to bolster the security of Iraq and protect American interests in the Middle East. I recently ordered the deployment of an additional carrier strike group to the region.
Ah yes, that CARRIER STRIKE GROUP WILL SURE HELP TAKE OUT THOSE TERRORISTS!! Jesus, man! Talk about overkill!! Are you going to get all Israeli on their asses and use a cruise missile on a wheel-chair-bound cleric? (OK, so it wasn't a cruise missile. [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/3556099.stm|It was a missile launched by an aircraft]. Seriously--the Israelis killed a guy in a wheelchair with a missile, but I digress.) Another carrier group in the Persian Gulf is not there to route out insurgents or run AQ from Iraq. It's to support an assault on Iran. We'll do air strikes with our other carrier group and with help from Israel, too. It's going to be a mess if it happens, too, because an Iranattack would be just as illegal as the Iraqattack was. What's worse is that Iran can fight back stretching thinner our already stretched-thin military.
We will expand intelligence sharing and deploy Patriot air defense systems to reassure our friends and allies. We will work with the governments of Turkey and Iraq to help them resolve problems along their border. And we will work with others to prevent Iran from gaining nuclear weapons and dominating the region.
Yeah, you'll work with Israel on that "no nukes for Iran" thing, right? And Turkey? I think they still want in to the EU, so promise them that and they'll probably do anything you say.
We will use America's full diplomatic resources to rally support for Iraq from nations throughout the Middle East.
Whoopdie-shit. That's like, what? Thirty seconds of us going "come on, help us!" and then thirty seconds of us telling everyone "do it our way!"
Countries like Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Jordan, and the Gulf states need to understand that an American defeat in Iraq would create a new sanctuary for extremists - and a strategic threat to their survival.
Shit, man--you make it sound like those states AREN'T extremists themselves! Egypt reportedly still practices torture and Saudi Arabia is so un-secular women can't drive cars and there are religion cops who rove the streets looking for people violating Islamic law! What you're saying here is more big brother doublespeak!
These nations have a stake in a successful Iraq that is at peace with its neighbors - and they must step up their support for Iraq's unity government.
You're KIDDING me, man! Those nations have a stake in an UNsuccessful AMERICA! They are all Islamic states, you IDIOT. All they want is for Iraq to join the rest of the middle east's Islamicness so they can then gang up on Israel. You are either the biggest shmuck to ever rule a country or you are saying anything you fucking can to get us behind your faulty-ass plan.
We endorse the Iraqi government's call to finalize an international compact that will bring new economic assistance in exchange for greater economic reform.
YAY! More vague, amorphous rhetoric! I love this stuff!!
And on Friday, Secretary Rice will leave for the region - to build support for Iraq, and continue the urgent diplomacy required to help bring peace to the Middle East.
Right, just like Darth Vader visiting the new Death Star in the beginning of
Return of the Jedi. I can hear Condi admonishing each leader after they insist they'll do their part: "I hope so, (INSERT LEADERSHIP TITLE HERE). The Emperor is not as forgiving as I..." Cue Imperial March by John Williams as Condi moves onto the next country.
The challenge playing out across the broader Middle East is more than a military conflict.
"It's a debacle--NO WAIT!"
It is the decisive ideological struggle of our time.
HA! YOU WISH! This is more doublespeak, folks. He is, right about the decisive ideological struggle--though it's happening here in America, not in the Middle East.
On one side are those who believe in freedom and moderation.
And the other side is YOU, George.
On the other side are extremists who kill the innocent, and have declared their intention to destroy our way of life.
What did I just say?
In the long run, the most realistic way to protect the American people is to provide a hopeful alternative to the hateful ideology of the enemy -
Wow--this is too easy! So, you want to "provide a hopeful alternative to the hateful ideology of the enemy." But isn't that what you're telling us to do? Hate the enemy? Not try to understand them? Assume they're evil as sin and not care when we kill them all? ...Or did I misunderstand you? I'm sorry--what's the alternative YOU speak of?
by advancing liberty across a troubled region.
Ohhh...
It is in the interests of the United States to stand with the brave men and women who are risking their lives to claim their freedom - and to help them as they work to raise up just and hopeful societies across the Middle East.
OK, this clinches it, man. You're fucking crazy. What you're talking about is marching across the Middle East and reshaping it in your own image. Playing god with countries is NOT cool. Do you really think you know what's best for them? Do you really think your way is the best way? Are you really that insanely conceited?
From Afghanistan to Lebanon to the Palestinian territories, millions of ordinary people are sick of the violence, and want a future of peace and opportunity for their children.
Tell them the WHOLE story, Bush--how they're tired of American interests always messing things up over there. How America armed both Iran and Iraq during their big war in order to keep the instability there stable. If the American fly could just stay zipped long enough to stop America from fucking the Middle East, I'm sure they'd be a lot more happy and free.
And they are looking at Iraq. They want to know: Will America withdraw and yield the future of that country to the extremists - or will we stand with the Iraqis who have made the choice for freedom?
It must be fun to be insane. I mean, I'd call invading another country for no ultimately no good reason the work of extremists, so...
The changes I have outlined tonight are aimed at ensuring the survival of a young democracy that is fighting for its life in a part of the world of enormous importance to American security.
Iraq is of "enormous importance to American security"? How's that? The oil? Israel? WHAT?
Let me be clear: The terrorists and insurgents in Iraq are without conscience, and they will make the year ahead bloody and violent.
OH yeah, AMERICAN bullets won't harm a fly and the few that do were only fired because of an AQ threat, riiiight!
Even if our new strategy works exactly as planned, deadly acts of violence will continue - and we must expect more Iraqi and American casualties.
Wow--you can really sell this shit, Bush!
The question is whether our new strategy will bring us closer to success. I believe that it will.
Ah, yes--what you
believe again! That's never gotten us in trouble, yet!
Victory will not look like the ones our fathers and grandfathers achieved.
It will strongly resemble our victory in Vietnam and Somalia...
There will be no surrender ceremony on the deck of a battleship.
Yeah, you're right--that battleship crap is so hackneyed and trite. You'd have to be crazy or a fool to try shit like that these days! ;)
But victory in Iraq will bring something new in the Arab world - a functioning democracy that polices its territory,
Yeah, 'cuz Isreal clearly isn't working for shit. And Lebanon has that whole "state within a state" thing, that, you know,
has popular support, but
whatever.
upholds the rule of law, respects fundamental human liberties, and answers to its people.
CRAZY TALK! Seriously, where'd you get an idea that a government should do all that crazy shit?
A democratic Iraq will not be perfect.
OH, but a Republican one would be PERFECT! ...that's probably not what you meant...
But it will be a country that fights terrorists instead of harboring them
MORE CRAZY TALK! America harbors bad guys, too ya know. Where do you think we got the father of the American Space Program, Werner von Braun? He was Nazi. Now he's an American hero. Go figure.
- and it will help bring a future of peace and security for our children and grandchildren.
Yeah, unless you bastards in government come up with another imaginary threat to keep us afraid and you guys in power.
This new approach comes after consultations with Congress about the different courses we could take in Iraq.
Hey, it's that stuff that comes out of a horse's bum! HORSE SHIT! As if you REALLY did any of that stuff. As if this plan was really "new" at all. As if you gave any more thought to this plan beyond saying out loud "Let's throw more American blood at it!" Too dark?
Many are concerned that the Iraqis are becoming too dependent on the United States - and therefore, our policy should focus on protecting Iraq's borders and hunting down al Qaeda.
Frankly? I never gave a crap about the Iraqi people. Sure, I care about all human life and don't want to see anyone die, but there are plenty of problems we have here at home. Short of genocide abroad, I don't think we should be involved in much of anything outside of the US that doesn't present a serious and direct threat against us. And by that I mean we would have to be bombed by a major country before we do anything. 911 was a crime--not an act of war. You need a country to do something before you can call it an act of war. My opinion is, we pull out of Iraq now let the Iraqis rebuild their county with billions in cash from us--but WE stay OUT--NO AMERICANS, NO AMERICAN CORPORATIONS. Then we put your ass on trial for war crimes and send the future the message that we all fucked up, but we made the criminals pay.
Their solution is to scale back America's efforts in Baghdad - or announce the phased withdrawal of our combat forces.
Hm, I wonder who "they" are.
We carefully considered these proposals. And we concluded that to step back now would force a collapse of the Iraqi government, tear the country apart, and result in mass killings on an unimaginable scale.
Ah, how convenient for your plot. If this were a movie script I'd say it was pretty damned contrived.
Such a scenario would result in our troops being forced to stay in Iraq even longer, and confront an enemy that is even more lethal.
Wait--if we leave, we'll have to stay longer?? You really are fucking crazy.
If we increase our support at this crucial moment, and help the Iraqis break the current cycle of violence, we can hasten the day our troops begin coming home.
Now you're sounding like Tom Hanks in
Saving Private Ryan. Didn't his character get killed in that movie? o_O
In the days ahead, my national security team will fully brief Congress on our new strategy.
And they will hate it. You don't need me to source that, do you? Give News.Google.Com a try, kids. :)
If members have improvements that can be made, we will make them.
Why do I not believe you?
If circumstances change, we will adjust. Honorable people have different views, and they will voice their criticisms. It is fair to hold our views up to scrutiny. And all involved have a responsibility to explain how the path they propose would be more likely to succeed.
"But in the end it won't matter what you commies think. We're doing what I want. So there."
Acting on the good advice of Senator Joe Lieberman and other key members of Congress,
HA! That Republican-wannabe?? I hardly think you can cite
Lieberman as your sole example of bipartisanship!
we will form a new, bipartisan working group that will help us come together across party lines to win the war on terror.
HA! YOU'RE KIDDING ME!!
This group will meet regularly with me and my administration. It will help strengthen our relationship with Congress.
You make it sound like couples therapy. As if it were that "easy."
We can begin by working together to increase the size of the active Army and Marine Corps, so that America has the armed forces we need for the 21st century. We also need to examine ways to mobilize talented American civilians to deploy overseas - where they can help build democratic institutions in communities and nations recovering from war and tyranny.
Sounds like you're recruiting for a sequel to
Team America. Those silly puppets!
In these dangerous times, the United States is blessed to have extraordinary and selfless men and women willing to step forward and defend us.
This is were it gets really depressing faithful readers. Defend US, Bush? You mean defend Halliburton and Bechtel and your future bank account. You are sick. You dare to say that American soldiers are dying in Iraq for me. No, asshole. They're dying for YOU and YOUR MONEY.
These young Americans understand that our cause in Iraq is noble and necessary - and that the advance of freedom is the calling of our time.
If that's true, then John Kerry was right about them--they're fucking morons. Of course, I know they're not because many are against the war.
They serve far from their families, who make the quiet sacrifices of lonely holidays and empty chairs at the dinner table.
Dude, I really fucking hate you. Could you possibly patronize these people any more than this?
They have watched their comrades give their lives to ensure our liberty.
No. Nothing that is happening in Iraq is protecting MY liberty, you liar. In fact, it's endangering it because you're pissing off so many more extremists and even people who wouldn't be extremists if it weren't for you.
We mourn the loss of every fallen American - and we owe it to them to build a future worthy of their sacrifice.
Fellow citizens: The year ahead will demand more patience, sacrifice, and resolve.
Wait--I thought the "Mission" was "Accomplished". What
was that banner on the battleship all about?
It can be tempting to think that America can put aside the burdens of freedom.
Oh, but George, you make it look so easy!
Yet times of testing reveal the character of a nation.
True 'nuf! America tortures, spies on it's own, allows fixed elections and would rather watch American Idol than protest any of the above.
And throughout our history, Americans have always defied the pessimists and seen our faith in freedom redeemed.
We have? How many years was slavery legal? How many Native Americans were slaughtered since 1492? How many countries have we invaded, occupied and destroyed since 1776? Weeee! History is fun!
Now America is engaged in a new struggle that will set the course for a new century. We can and we will prevail.
Since you've been right about so many other things so far, I'm going to trust you, George!* *I'm lying.
We go forward with trust that the author of liberty will guide us through these trying hours. Thank you and good night.
You forgot the "good luck" part. The "author of liberty", who would that be? God? Why not just mention Him by Name? Too heavy handed? Yeah, you wouldn't want to be heavy handed, would you?
OK, that's all!! If you've actually read all of this YOU'RE AN ANGEL! Thanks for reading! Please feel free to add your own quips below and be sure to watch for my quippage of the State of the Empire speech sometime after tonight when Bush delivers it. WAHOO!! Oh and sorry for any typos or grammatical mistakes. It took me forever to get through this and I just wanted to get it done.
Orignal From:
BUSH'S NEW PLAN FOR IRAQ WITH QUIPS!
